Thanksgiving is a holiday of tradition. I love Christmas, and my wife loves it even more, so by extension my enjoyment of the holiday has grown. But Thanksgiving is my holiday of choice for this season. The food, the family, the afternoon nap. These are the great moments I remember year after year. And within that are some disastrous recipes that I cannot believe were ever attempted. So I’ve decided to kickoff the Munch Monster Thanksgiving celebration by sharing the 5 worst recipes ever attempted by me.
I don’t necessarily remember all of these recipes now. Some I made over 10 years ago, but what sticks with me is the appalling nature of each. So without further ado let’s put the past behind us by talking about the missteps. That way we’ll be ready to have yet another great Thanksgiving in a few weeks.
Jalapeno Corn Bread – It wasn’t just the chunks of jalapeno that went awry with this one. The recipe also featured whole corn kernels. I’m sure it was intended to lend texture to the bread, but the result was to offset the mealy corn bread with soggy bursts of odd corn qualities. The jalapenos were an even worse idea than I’d thought. Theoretically this should have been a hit. I guess it just goes to prove that the simple, and classic, recipes are still the best.
Eggplant stir fry – I don’t know what else to call this thing, but it was a bunch of diced up eggplant that was baked and then tossed in a frying pan with various accoutrements. The result was a bitter mush that made me gag. I’m fairly certain my father was personally offended when I served this to him. He’s not a guy who goes for adventurous food, and I sold this as a pretty standard home cooked dish. There’s just no excuse for anyone serving eggplant as a pile of mush. I’ve come to blame this disaster for me not making more than the rare eggplant dish, which sucks because I really do like properly prepared eggplant.
Stuffed Turkey – This was my first turkey attempt, and I had no clue what to do. All I knew was that people put things inside the bird and there’s a little red knob that pops up when the turkey is done. What I was never told is that stuffing a bird makes it nearly impossible to cook evenly, and that when the red knob pops up your turkey has been done for 2 hours. The result was the driest turkey I’ve ever had, and my mom has done some whoppers her time. She still insists on leaving the turkey in the oven to cook all day long, even though I’ve explained you just have to cook to temp. My turkey’s have gone from dried up mistakes to quite simply the greatest turkey you’ll ever eat. I’ll be sharing my recent recipe, the original turkey by Steve belongs buried in my memory.
Cranberry orange sauce – Now I know how to make a nice cranberry sauce with fresh ingredients. What I attempted here was to recreate the Ocean Spray canned stuff. Why? Because that’s what I grew up eating and loving, so I wanted to see if I could do it myself. In a way I succeeded: the resulting sauce was a Jell-O mold style pile of wobbling weird flavors. Imagine eating cranberry Jell-O with Grand Marnier added, then don’t forget to make sure it’s grainy in texture and so tart that your face looks like Bugs Bunny punched you with an ACME anvil.
Chocolate praline pie – I’ve made perfect versions of this pie in the past. Decadent and delicious, and only good for eating once a year because of how rich it is. But the perfect pie doesn’t always happen on your first attempt. Oh it was nice and rich. So much so that you could possibly get two bites down before having to stop. And that’s if you could chew it at all. The praline on top was overdone, resulting in a very sticky and chewy topping for the pie. It was kind of like serving Sugar Daddies on top of chocolate. I’m happy that I’ve improved upon this one in recent years, because it is a great pie. Just be careful you don’t overcook the praline, or your teeth will pay the price.
The trials and tribulations of the home chef can never be avoided. This isn’t about showcasing some horrible ideas I’ve had over the years, but just an exercise in remembering where I came from. The turkey for instance taught me a lot about cooking poultry in general. Today I can cook a whole chicken or just a breast to near perfection because of what I learned by drying out poor fowl in years past. Why do we fall down indeed.
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